Mama | Entrepreneur | Author | Women's Digital Health Director
My 15-minute retreat to my bedroom provided a quick reset but I started to think more about what a “real reset” might look like for me. I struggled to recall the last time I felt truly relaxed with my toes in the sand. The need for a “real reset” was essentially the feeling of needing to break free for a few days. To be on my own schedule without consequence of being over-tired or underprepared to really show up for my kids. It would mean complete leisure and luxuriation where the biggest decision of the day would be whether I would swim up or walk over for lunch. What does a “real reset” look like for you?
Often, I find myself reflecting about just how quickly things changed for me. My second job after completing graduate school was with a Management Consulting firm. Management consultants are often referred to as “road warriors” because of how much travel is required. For years, I would fly out of Washington Reagan National Airport every Monday morning to report to work at a client site and return home on Thursday evenings. At this point, I was not yet married and my focus and priorities were not heavily influenced by obligations and responsibilities outside of myself. I had the freedom and, for the first time, the means(ish) to really live out the spontaneity that has always been a part of who I am. So, I did just that. I travelled and subscribed to a motto influenced by Queen Bey herself, “Experience life, see the edges of the earth and make sure the world knows that you were here.”
I absolutely love where my life is today. I wake up to a life that I prayed and sacrificed for and countless extras that God threw in because he’s just so faithful ya’ll. I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude but there have also been moments when I have felt… well… trapped. Have you ever felt trapped or otherwise confined by your responsibilities and the inflexibility of your obligations? I brainstormed other ways of saying that. I feared judgement since that statement can be easily misunderstood. I reminded myself of why I was doing this in the first place. I realized that if I led with anything short of authenticity, I wouldn’t be truly submitting to what God asked me to do with this blog.
When is the last time you went away without your kiddos? Maybe it was a few nights some place within driving distance or maybe it was a bit of a splurge to a destination much farther away. While I absolutely adore my children and hold so much excitement for creating opportunities for our family to travel, make beautiful memories and experience different people, cultures and ways of life together, I also recognize my need for vacations that do not include our children.
When children are along for the ride, it is really more of a family trip, not a “vacation” in terms of how I personally associate the word. Yay for family trips! I mean that, but mama also needs an opportunity to truly vacate the environment of responsibility from time to time. As parents, trips with the littles mean that you are managing your day in a way that ensures that the kids’ needs are met, you have packed for a number of different unpredictable yet inevitable scenarios and that you think through the logistics of meal and nap times. There is nothing relaxing or refueling about any experience when your children transform into “Hangry” (hungry and angry about it) and her sister, “Deliriously Sleepy”. Just packing alone is hard work. Small kids require lots of equipment, i.e. wagons/strollers, portable potties, daytime and night time diapers, pack and play, snacks, etc. I am exhausted thinking about it and we haven’t even discussed the kitchen sink of supplies required to be ready to pump milk while on the go and store it properly.
Naturally, we can’t just make a routine run for it. We have to be able to take control of settling into our peace no matter where we are but from time to time, we just need a real reset. I believe that being able to vacate your environment of responsibility is critical. It’s hard to truly relax otherwise. From the endless lists to the need to feel productive or take advantage of the moment to run an errand or put in some effort on the front end to pack up the clothes or toys the kids have grown out of or prep food to make your life easier on the back-end, “vacationing” in your environment of responsibility doesn’t usually work well. Target runs without the kids or being able to organize the pantry without your two-year old’s version of helping (aka multiplying the time taken to complete the task by 4) are not to be confused with down time, relaxation or a break.
The journey of motherhood is beautiful, empowering and hands down magical but there is also a level of selflessness required that, in the name of speaking our truth and prioritizing our own self-care, we must acknowledge. The moment you learn that you are growing an entire person in your body, even before baby arrives, you are beginning your journey of self- sacrifice. The sacrifices take on many forms along the way. If you share my feelings on the subject, my first sacrifice was my body. My body did not feel like my own for roughly four years. Every single day during that four year period of time, I was either growing a baby, breastfeeding a baby or both. From my choices of food and recreation to how I structured my daily schedule were all dictated by my strong desire to always try to give my very best to my babies.
I recall many stories of what those sacrifices looked like when I was breastfeeding as a working mom. For business trips, I used a breastmilk shipping service when it made sense based on the duration of the trip. Thank God for modern conveniences but there is still a ton of coordination and discipline required. I remember adding a 3am pumping session for the several days leading up to my planned trip to increase my freezer stash. I would study the meeting agenda to determine when I could slip away for pumping sessions and then researching how to reserve a lactation room for said pumping sessions. Hot meals were traded for handheld meals that I could eat while pumping and FaceTiming with my family. I have always had strong right-hand dominance but motherhood made me somewhat ambidextrous. I am still amazed by what I have learned to do with my elbows and shoulders out of pure survival lol.
Sometimes those sacrifices during the breastfeeding stages required a little ingenuity. It was 2018 and I was hella engorged while stuck on an airplane in a holding pattern indefinitely. I am my father’s child so I “MacGyvered” the airplane commode and tiny countertop area lining them with an obscene number of paper towels so that I could sit and pump using my battery pack. I also recall my perfectly planned prep for being able to enjoy Happy Hour. Step 1, pump in the car just before I walk into the bar to create the largest possible window of time to allow the alcohol to clear my system before my next pump/nursing session. Step 2, calculate my allotted consumption based on said window of time. Step, 3 ensure that milk is stored at the appropriate temperature. Step 3 was a bit more difficult because it was 90 degrees and I forgot my ice pack. There was an impossible wait for indoor seating so I sat at the outdoor bar with a bottle of breastmilk in a cup of ice water right beside me. Bring your own bottle to the party, you say (BYOB)? That’s a lot of effort for the occasional margarita, right? By baby number 2, I balanced responsible consumption with way more chill. These are all things I laugh about now but during the 3am pumping session and while engorged on the airplane toilet, the comedy of it all hadn’t quite landed.
These are just a few stories about my breastfeeding journey that come to mind when I think about the many sacrifices that come along with parenting and the many ways that we give of ourselves to take care of those little blessings that God has trusted us with. There are so many more. So many ways that we choose to change our lives in order to do our best at giving them a great life. I am not suggesting that you demand a trophy or some type of compensation. I am only suggesting that in the acknowledgement of the sacrifices we have chosen to make, we must also acknowledge our need to be balanced, kind to ourselves and make room for the opportunity to reset when needed.
Remember in my post, “Permission To: Change Pace”, when we talked about unrelenting self-sacrifice not being a love language? My opinion on that has not changed. We have to grant ourselves permission to pour into ourselves as well and not just our loved ones. It’s not only what’s best for you, it’s also what’s best for your family. So, I ask again. What does a real reset look like for you? Have you unconsciously accepted a reality that does not grant you PERMISSION to temporarily vacate your environment of responsibility?
Book that window seat, mama. Or aisle seat. Whatever ya flava. Maybe your idea of a reset doesn’t involve an airplane at all. My point is to give yourself PERMISSION to vacate your environment of responsibility for a period of time. Four hours into your vacation you will absolutely miss your babies so much you can smell their little cheeks and feel their noses in your nook (the curve of your neck, under your chin). I understand. Do it when you are ready. Take baby steps and deliver lots of FaceTime kisses. You matter. Your ability to reset, recharge and refuel is important.
I am happy to report that I followed my own advice and went on my first girl’s trip since becoming a mommy (pics featured in this post)… #vivaMexicooooo!! Mexico was a short, direct flight and we were away for just a few days. The trip was relaxing and full of great food, great drinks, great company, amazing views and a sprinkle of adventure. Just what I needed.
Are you ready to give yourself PERMISSION to UN-Retire the window seat?
Until Next Time,
Self-Grace, Power and Gratitude
