Callie Rose is the clever, Jr. Preschooler that made me a mama in 2018. Like many expecting the arrival of their littles, I immersed myself in planning. Birth plan, check. Breastfeeding classes, check. The cutest newborn tutus and nursery frills, check and check. Maya Camryn made her grand entrance just a few months before Callie turned two, completing the Tiny Clarke duo and changing my life, in the most beautiful way, forever.

At that time, I would have said that I was still “adjusting” to my new life as a mom. In hindsight, there were actually no “adjustments” being made. What should have been an adjustment was more of my unsuccessful attempt to integrate.  I somehow thought that I could just integrate all of the new demands that my life as a mom placed on me into the life that I had already been living without any shift in expectations.

I was under no illusion that it would require a lot of time, energy, unwavering commitment and some creative flexibility if I was going to manage all of the areas of my life just as I did before and also be a great mom. I believed that I was up for making good on the expectations I had set for myself. After all, I had survived a number of periods in my life that tested my grit and determination. I believed that in many ways, I had been preparing for this for decades.

I participated in competitive sports most of my life. This included track and field, competition cheerleading (of the back tuck and basket toss variety, thank you), ballet, a very brief stint in basketball and I even played rugby later in life.  A major part of that “grit and determination” I speak of, was born in the Lasalle Avenue YMCA, ignited on countless exhibition spring floors and made to fly inside of the lanes of the worn and cracked asphalt track at Kecoughtan High School.  The other part of it is just in my DNA. Have you met my parents? LOL

My life as an athlete has played a huge role in the type of self-talk or narratives sounding off in my head. I say “self”-talk but sometimes I can’t distinguish my voice from my high school track coach’s voice. Coach William Washington had the biggest mouth and an even bigger heart disguised underneath his “not appropriate for Sunday School” words of “motivation”. His big mouth and bigger heart were everywhere! If there was ever a human being capable of omnipresence, it was Coach Washington. Everywhere and all knowing.

So, fast forward to my life as a new, working mother of two kids, ages two and under.  I was unwavering in my pursuit of the self-assigned mission to prove to myself that I could have, and do, it all! This is the point where you can suck your teeth, shake your head, yell out “rookie”, laugh or any combination of the aforementioned. Me too girl, me too! Now I know that I can… juuuust not at the same time. Determination can be one of the biggest impediments to self-care. Fuel that with hella grit and some hustle and you’ve got yourself a burnout brewing.

At this point, Coach Washington was no longer yelling obscenities from the sidelines to scare me into kicking it up a notch and there were no competitors to my right or my left. Why was I burning it at both ends to maintain the pace required to meet the unrealistically high expectations that I placed on myself? Because I had not been realistic about the change of pace that would be required to manage the various roles and responsibilities of my life in a way that demonstrated kindness to myself.

Being an athlete taught me that discomfort is necessary for progress. It taught me to quiet my body’s resistance and finish strong. It taught me to bury every thought and feeling that was not critical to my performance in that moment. It taught me that my body was a precise and powerful machine that could be pushed beyond its limits. The lessons that I learned as a competitor helped to develop the confidence, discipline and resilience that have allowed me to overcome so many obstacles. Those lessons have contributed to a number of triumphs and accomplishments but they did not translate to the wisdom and grace I would need to recalibrate and change pace in this season of my life. I was exhausted! Specifically, I was back to back pregnancies, two years of breastfeeding, nine months of managing a demanding, corporate career in quarantine without childcare, travel or social outlets, grieving the loss of my step-mother, selling a home, building another and moving level of exhausted. I needed a new plan and a new rhythm.

Several years ago, I stopped making New Year’s Resolutions and opted instead for the designation of one word. This word serves as my focus for the year and I have some flexibility in terms of how that translates into action and intention throughout the year. My word this year is rhythm. I promise you, I had no idea this would all come together in this way and that I would be writing a blog post about it, but God knew!

As I focus on making the change of pace required to be in a more peaceful and purposeful rhythm, I have learned so much about my voice and my value. In the spirit of us all figuring this thing out together, I would love to share some of those learnings with you! So, let’s dive in!

4 Rhythm-Finding Truths About Your Voice and Your Value

(1) Your performance does NOT determine your value

Following one of my more recent sessions with my therapist, she shared a document with me that provided descriptions of nine distinct personality types based on an Enneagram personality typing tool that breaks down patterns of behavior. The world view of someone that fits the personality type of Performer (Type 3) is that “the world values people for what they do, not for who they are.” This personality type made me think of the ideology that most athletes adopt. In sports, you are judged based solely upon how you show up and perform on that day. Previous successes be damned! Can you imagine dedicating years to something and your value or merit as a competitor was determined by a single performance that may have only taken minutes or even seconds to complete? This is the nature of sports, for better or worse.

Today, I am more of a Giver (Type 2) with very frequent Performer (Type 3) tendencies. I had to do the work to compartmentalize this “all or nothing,” performance-driven ideology. I believe that many women have unknowingly adopted this same ideology. Sure, it’s origin story may be different from my own and not include competitive sports but the association that we have made between performance and value remain the same. Have you ever had a “performance” that fell short of your best? Did it cause you to question your value?

Mama, you are more than one data point. Stop diminishing yourself. Today’s presentation may have proven to be a real opportunity for improvement but it doesn’t mean you aren’t darn good at what you do and deserving of the position you hold. You may have forgotten that today was “Splash Day” at your kid’s daycare and you didn’t send them with their water shoes. They have extra sneakers in their cubby locker and today is one day. You show up every single day for those babies that you made. Ladies, disassociate your value and your performance.

I am big on continuous self-improvement, so I am in no way telling you to be complacent or to not allow room for growth. What I am saying is that your value and worth have no conditions, qualifiers, prerequisites or minimum performance expectations. I want you to know that you are capable, beautiful, powerful and worthy on your toughest days as much as you are on your best days.

(2) Unrelenting self-sacrifice is NOT a love language

I am a believer, subscriber and follower of Jesus. My faith is foundational to who I am and under the context of Christianity, sacrifice doesn’t necessarily have a negative connotation.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and the Bible speaks of the long suffering of love, but let’s pivot away from that context and think about this purely from the perspective of being good to ourselves. In that context, this concept is far more uni-dimensional.

When you are in a rhythm that is right for you and your season in life, there should be a healthy balance of what I like to think of as deposits and debits. Deposits refuel, restore, excite and encourage you. They can be hobbies, time to be leisurely with loved ones or even just an opportunity to rest and luxuriate. Think of a deposit as your cup being poured INTO. Debits, on the other hand, are things that require work and expend energy. Think of a debit as pouring OUT OF your cup. If you are constantly depleted and pouring from an empty cup, it’s a good indicator that you are giving more of yourself than what you actually have to give. You are in a cycle of unrelenting sacrifice. Please, stop!

Speak up about what you need more of. Speak up about what you need less of. When you don’t know exactly what you need, say that too. Get comfortable with being transparent even before you have your thoughts thoroughly flushed out and you are ready to make specific asks. It is not a sign of strength to suffer in silence just as it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.  Give those who love you an opportunity to show up for you.

Your willingness to consistently neglect yourself and your needs does not translate to you loving your partner or your children more. In fact, I would challenge you to think about the message you might be sending to your children. How you might be normalizing the expectation that you must neglect yourself and sacrifice your well-being in order to show love.

There will absolutely be periods in life that require sacrifice, and we are absolutely willing to sacrifice for those that we love, but please do not normalize this as a long-term expectation. It is not sustainable. A good rhythm is one that considers the well-being of the entire family, not just the children. Unrelenting self-sacrifice is NOT a love language.

(3) Your body will tell you everything you need to know

There is a certain level of surrender that is required to give voice and value to the messages that our bodies are sending to us. Surrendering does not mean that you give in to every whisper of your body. In fact, the reality is that obligations of life will demand that we push through on days when we feel unrested, depleted, off balance or even physically ailed in some way. I am not suggesting that your body alone should determine your pace. I am suggesting that it is impossible to find a purposeful and sustainable pace if you are not listening to your body at all. I use the word “purposeful” instead of “comfortable” because there are seasons when even discomfort has purpose.

When you are in touch with your body it will queue you in to big and even small things. When you are in touch with your body, you recognize when certain relationships are sources of depletion instead of sources of energy. For me, my gut tells me everything I need to know about someone. These days, I’m learning to trust that more.

Your body can queue you in to things that require small adjustments that yield big improvements in your overall wellness. Maybe the tightness you are feeling in the evenings after dinner is your body telling you that it is becoming more sensitive to starchy carbs even though you have been a meat and potatoes girl your entire life. That headache that just won’t go away may be an indicator of too much stress or too little sleep. Make some adjustments. Maybe your morning run should be replaced by a swim or a brisk walk for the next few weeks because your body is telling you that it needs something different.

To really be in tune with our bodies, we have to be able to silence the noise of everything else around and even within us. Body scanning is a great way to begin connecting with your body. Your body is a great partner to you when you give it a voice and work with it, not against it. When you are in YOUR “right rhythm” for your season in life, your body will agree with your pace.

(4) Your peace is a gift worthy of priority and protection

There is a certain peace that comes with alignment. Peace is prosperous and you know what else? You already have it! God already gave it to you! You don’t have to read a book, change your schedule, find a new job or wait until your child’s two-year old molars finish coming in to find it. God gave us the gift of peace along with other Fruits of The Spirit such as love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. A friend once reminded me of these fruits and now I am reminding you. Peace is already ours. We just need to activate it and protect it.

When we are not connected to our peace it is not because God has taken back what he gifted to us. We are not connected because we have given greater power to the heaviness of our responsibilities, the distraction of our vulnerabilities and the noise of our uncertainties than to what He has already placed inside of us.

Ladies, I am not telling you to slow down. I am not telling you to pick up the pace. I am telling you that we have to consistently recalibrate and reassess our pace. We have to retire the toxic associations, be more kind to ourselves, quiet the noise and facilitate an environment of peace. YOUR “right rhythm” will be connected to your God-given peace. Your peace and alignment will be prosperous.

Who or what is influencing your pace? How is your body responding? Have you given yourself PERMISSION to change pace?

Until Next Time,

Self-Grace, Power and Gratitude